This weekend, Saturday May 8th, three culinary maestros are meeting at the stroke of 6pm to duke it out Iron Chef style at the Healthy Food & Good Wine festival at St. Joseph’s Hospital (103rd and State Line.) 

Who will win?  Let’s look at

The Tale of The Tape

Chef Michael Foust	Chef Tate Roberts	Chef Jasper Mirable
6 ft., weight unknown, 26 inch reach*	5 ft. 8in, 24 inch reach*	5′ 6 in. weight unknown 23 inch reach*
Style:Cooks: American with French Influence Fights: 7th Degree Black Belt Ninjitsu**	Style:Cooks: Classic Fine Dining Fights: Black Belt, Brazilian Jujitsu**	Style:Cooks: Sicilian Italian Fights: 7th Dan, Shodokan Karake**
Record: 0-1	Record: 0-0	Record: He was the moderator last time
Best Dish: Grits (no, seriously, they’re made with cream and cheese)	Best Dish: Chicken with Burnt Honey	Best Dish: Pasta alla Nanni

* These numbers are pretty much a fabrication
** This information is a total fabrication

So the tale of the tape tells us exactly nothing.  Let’s go for a deeper analysis.

Looking Into the Match Up

This is one of these typical age vs. age vs. experience battles.  Not that Chefs Foust and Roberts don’t have experience, but Chef Jasper was working at a restaurant when the other two chefs’ parents were in college.  (If my math is right.)  So, right off the bat you have to say:

Experience: Chef Mirabile

But not so fast, youth has to count for something.  There’s the whole strength and vitality factor.  That is going to figure into these battles.  The obvious choice is either Chef Foust or Chef Roberts, but I can’t speak to either of their energy levels.  I have, however, traded emails with Chef Jasper at 3 AM when he’s got a TV program the next morning at 7 and know he’s not getting any sleep.  So in the upset:

Vitality: Chef Mirabile

It should also be mentioned that while I’ve never seen Chef Roberts run, I’ve seen him carrying a very heavy briefcase.

Strength: Chef Roberts

Next, we have to look at cooking style.  This is one of those hard things to judge, because all three are excellent chefs.  However, let’s examine the types of food the three men serve.  Chef Jasper likes to serve a lot of slow cooked meats (have you tried the ossobuco or slow roasted pork at Jasper‘s?) and pastas which have a tendency to get mooshy when waiting for judges.  I’ve eaten at the Farmhouse and know that Chef Foust can push a lot of food fast.  This contrasts with the one experience I had at EBT’s (when I was 12, which was well before Chef Roberts got there) and the food was slow then.  So in a bout of being totally unfair to Chef Roberts,

Cooking Style: Chef Foust

Now, we come to fighting style.  Chef Foust is a ninja.  Ninjas always win.

Fighting Style: Chef Foust

Lastly, we come to the two X-factors in the game.  The Dante Halls of culinary gladiatorial combat.  The first is general awesomeness.  From the pictures above, this has to go to Chef Roberts who is a mysterious culinary figure that has never before appeared in public, which is why we replaced him with a picture of food.  (Or maybe I couldn’t find a good pic, not sure.)  Plus, he makes burnt honey on purpose whereas I do it on accident.

Awesomeness: Chef Roberts

So with a 2-2-2 tie, it all comes down to one final category.  As it should.  Picking an Iron Chef winner is not something you can leave to chance or the type of crap jokes I normally tell on this blog.  Oh no, it’s a matter of seriousness and utmost um… seriousness.   Which is why I will apply the finest criteria I can think of.  Where would BWD, Jr. most want to eat.

Chef Jasper, I bet you thought you were going to get the nod, but I have it on good authority

Restaurant BWD, Jr. Would Most Want to Eat: The Farmouse, which means: Chef Foust!!!

(Key the bells and balloons!)

And there you have it.  When the knives come out Satruday night, expect a heck of a fight for a great cause (St. Joseph’s Hospital)  But in the end, expect Chef Michael Foust to come home with a win.

And go eat at the Farmhouse, visit Jaspers, and enjoy EBT’s!

(Thanks to Ink KC, Hen House, and EBT’s for the images.)